I was holding onto something that was never there. I fought, I stayed, I did my best, but what exactly was i fighting, staying and trying my best for?
I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. Every time something doesn't go well, I start questioning what I did wrong again, what should I have done better?
I found myself fighting with the voices in my head every single day.
"He's not worth it" - No he is. He's actually the one and I should just be patient.
"He's not making time for you" - Maybe he's just busy?
"He's always on his phone when he's out with you" - Maybe he's settling work? Family? His friends?
"Should I hang out with my friends today?" - But oh wait, he's free, I think I should just make time for him.
"He has never ever done genuinely for you " - Does he think I'm not treating him good enough? Maybe if I gave him my all he will start to reciprocate.
"He takes forever to reply your messages all the time even though he seems to be online" - Maybe he feels like I'm too easy, should I take a little while more to reply him?
"He just keeps making excuses for his mistakes" - Maybe it's really my fault. I'm expecting too much from him.
It was hurting, but I held on. I felt like it was worth it, I convinced myself everything would pay off if I continued to persist.
But I eventually realised it's not about how much I put in, it wasn't about how much time I gave, it wasn't about whether I was pretty or not, it wasn't about how great I was, because none of those matter. I thought that I could keep him by doing everything "he wanted" but the truth was everything only mattered to me, it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to be kept by me and it was time to let go.