The Pain That Keeps You Awake

Have you ever cried in bed so bad, wanted to scream your lungs out hoping someone could hear you... You feel so drained, so tired, so dead inside. So helpless, so lost - you wanna talk to someone about it but it's late at night and you don't know who you could turn to without bothering them, so you just pine and hope someone could take the initiative to text you instead... but it doesn't happen.

You wanna resort to social media, to pour your heart out... but you hold back because you're afraid people might judge or even call you attention-seeking.

Does anybody understand this kind of loneliness?

You wish you could be "chill af", you wish you were one of those people who could put your mind at ease and decide not to give a fuck whenever you want to and just go to sleep? Too bad you aren't.

Your eyes start to weigh a ton from all the crying, but your thoughts continue to keep you wide awake. You feel your heart ache with every sigh you let out. 

You start to contemplate life and overthink every little thing that comes to your mind.

At last, you finally doze off as the sun rises... but when you wake up, have to face the world and it's time for you to put on that smile again, this feeling doesn't go away. It stays. It makes you feel empty deep inside. So hurt, so in pain, so damaged.

Isn't it funny how someone out there might actually be going through the same and understand how this feels? Yet we're all alone in this. 

Let's Make A Change.

Last night I went to party with a couple of my friends and everyone kinda went their separate ways cos of how crowded it was.

At one point, I was walking with two friends and we saw this guy lying on the floor. Dead drunk. I stopped to check if he was okay. And I was startled bcos so many people passed by but nobody actually bothered.

I mean obviously it's nothing new, but I thought to myself what if it was me lying there? How would I feel if I could barely move and nobody bothered?

I shook him to check if he could at least talk. He said "hey are you Naomi" my friends instantly pulled me away and asked me to just leave him alone. He then told me he needs to go home and asked if I could get him back. I said I can't get him home but I can get him a cab. My friends then advised that I leave him for the second time. I said no, let me help him.

I reached out for his phone and asked if he could guide me to one of his friends' number (perhaps a friend he came with) - I called and she didn't pick up. She did eventually and one of my friends gave her a thrashing and questioned what kind of friend she was to leave her friend out there while she had the time of her life.

Somehow I got to his dad and told him about the situation - his dad then agreed to come over to pick him up (he was coming from CCK) I gave him my word that I'll stay by till he comes.

After lots of waiting, causing quite a scene (bcos everyone who walked by thought I had something to do with the poor stranger who was lying against me) and lots of "just leave him la" I got angrier and angrier as it got later bcos she wasn't out yet and more people started coming by - not only were most of them not helping, they were just mocking, laughing and making useless remarks.

Nearly 30mins later, his friend was finally out and not to mention, while i was taking care of him she was mostly indulging in conversations with the people crowding around us. Of course, it was only "normal" if I left when she came but I didn't trust that she would take care of him.

What made me snap at one point was when this random dude told her to "eh just go la why care about him" and I felt like she wanted to - at that moment I couldn't care less of what he was gonna think of me but I responded "What if it was you lying here, feeling helpless? Don't you have the slightest bit of compassion?"

They all got shocked and slowly everyone dispersed.

Let's skip to the part when his dad came and got him. That was when I finally felt safe to leave after about an hour of waiting.

I left feeling perplexed. Why's everyone so selfish today? I know it's no big deal and it's totally normal on a regular party night... right?

It just saddens me cos that was when I concluded from the situation that most people are just terribly curious about things that happen and not because they care.

In this new generation we are dealing with, everyone is developing a more "me first" complex. The questions everyone starts off with will be "how does this make me look?" "How will doing this make me feel?"

And it will get worse as the years go by. It's upsetting. But we can either choose to ignore it and let the human race depreciate, or we could look at the problem and say maybe we can do this in whatever ways we can to make things happen.

I'm going with the second option for sure. What about yourself?

Let's start caring for not only ourselves or the people we love, but random people who could use a helping hand as well.

It's Not You, It's Him.

I was holding onto something that was never there. I fought, I stayed, I did my best, but what exactly was i fighting, staying and trying my best for?

I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. Every time something doesn't go well, I start questioning what I did wrong again, what should I have done better?

I found myself fighting with the voices in my head every single day.

"He's not worth it" - No he is. He's actually the one and I should just be patient.

 "He's not making time for you" - Maybe he's just busy?

 "He's always on his phone when he's out with you" - Maybe he's settling work? Family? His friends?

"Should I hang out with my friends today?" - But oh wait, he's free, I think I should just make time for him.

"He has never ever done genuinely for you " - Does he think I'm not treating him good enough? Maybe if I gave him my all he will start to reciprocate.

"He takes forever to reply your messages all the time even though he seems to be online" - Maybe he feels like I'm too easy, should I take a little while more to reply him?

 "He just keeps making excuses for his mistakes" - Maybe it's really my fault. I'm expecting too much from him.

It was hurting, but I held on. I felt like it was worth it, I convinced myself everything would pay off if I continued to persist.

But I eventually realised it's not about how much I put in, it wasn't about how much time I gave, it wasn't about whether I was pretty or not, it wasn't about how great I was, because none of those matter. I thought that I could keep him by doing everything "he wanted" but the truth was everything only mattered to me, it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to be kept by me and it was time to let go.