It's Not You, It's Him.

I was holding onto something that was never there. I fought, I stayed, I did my best, but what exactly was i fighting, staying and trying my best for?

I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. Every time something doesn't go well, I start questioning what I did wrong again, what should I have done better?

I found myself fighting with the voices in my head every single day.

"He's not worth it" - No he is. He's actually the one and I should just be patient.

 "He's not making time for you" - Maybe he's just busy?

 "He's always on his phone when he's out with you" - Maybe he's settling work? Family? His friends?

"Should I hang out with my friends today?" - But oh wait, he's free, I think I should just make time for him.

"He has never ever done genuinely for you " - Does he think I'm not treating him good enough? Maybe if I gave him my all he will start to reciprocate.

"He takes forever to reply your messages all the time even though he seems to be online" - Maybe he feels like I'm too easy, should I take a little while more to reply him?

 "He just keeps making excuses for his mistakes" - Maybe it's really my fault. I'm expecting too much from him.

It was hurting, but I held on. I felt like it was worth it, I convinced myself everything would pay off if I continued to persist.

But I eventually realised it's not about how much I put in, it wasn't about how much time I gave, it wasn't about whether I was pretty or not, it wasn't about how great I was, because none of those matter. I thought that I could keep him by doing everything "he wanted" but the truth was everything only mattered to me, it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to be kept by me and it was time to let go.


The People Who Care Enough Will Show It To You

I kinda grew up believing that everyone's nice and I always choose to see the good in people instead of their shortcomings - I tend to find reasons or rather excuses for them whenever they disappoint me.

Like if someone decides to only text me after 2 days of disappearing, I'd convince myself they were just busy. Or when someone tries to manipulate me into thinking I've done something wrong when they were they ones who clearly made a mistake, I'd lie to myself that perhaps they are right.

Took me a lot of regrets and mistakes to finally realise I've to stop making excuses for thembecause the people who care enough will show it to you.

People who care enough will make time for you and not always make you feel compromised.

People who care enough will not just assure you with words, but also prove to you through their actions.

People who care enough don't only appear out of the blue when they require something, but stick through tough times with you.

People who care enough will respect your decisions and not force you into doing something that you're uncomfortable with.

People who care enough for you would not just speak, but listen.

People who care enough would not send you mixed signals to keep you guessing.

If someone cares enough, you'll be clear of what you mean to them and what they mean to you. You won't ever have to question.

I met too many people along the way who share with me their stories and told me about their similar experience. Sometimes when we care too much for someone, we turn into a bunch of delusional creatures; we become so blinded with that person's non-existing good and turn away from all the bad that others try to talk us into.

I used to brood over losing people, I put in all my time and effort to mend broken relationships/friendships to no avail, I believe in giving people second chances hoping they'll repent but only to get hurt over and over again... 

Everyone can tell you how much they care for you, but words are only words without translating them into actions.

If someone loves you, they'll show you. They'll constantly make you feel that you're important and you won't only receive a "Happy Birthday" message each year when Facebook reminds them it's your special day. If someone truly cares for you, they'll never ever want you to go through any form of pain, let alone hurt you - Otherwise they just don't give a shit about you.

People who care enough will find reasons to stay and not excuses to leave. Remember that.

When You're Still In love With The Person Who Tries To Lead You On.

It hurts. You don't remember when was the last time you slept wearing a smile on your face. Tears and a runny nose, nothing else but drenched pillows.

Each morning you wake up wishing you never did and you try forcing yourself back to sleep. 

You've a million and one questions on your mind left unanswered, but that one question that constantly resurfaces is, "Would he/she ever come back to me again?"

All the messages you wrote telling them how you felt were saved into your notes because you're afraid you'll push them away. 

You just keep trying all means and ways to have them back. You seek help from your friends and even their friends but you ignore the real advices and focus on the ones that provide you affirmation on why you should persevere because that's how blinded you are.

The sucky part is when you start to feel like you're annoying them. You feel like you're crazy and psychotic  - You feel so devalued and compromised.

You want them back and you're at the point of desperation. You feel like your whole world has fallen apart.

You feel so miserable investing time and effort into someone who doesn't/no longer assure you of where you stand in their life.

You don't know how they truly feel because they just won't tell you and you've to keep guessing and wondering.

Every now and then you feel so confused because of their inconsistency and mixed signals.

You start to ask yourself, "Why won't you wanna be with me if you claim to love me?"

It's worse when you two continue to meet up, but only to their convenience. You two continue to hang out, but only when they've no on else to hang out with. You're always there for them but it's never the other way round.

You find yourself perpetually stalking them throughout the day; Sometimes you read sad tweets from them and it gives you the hope that they still actually care, but there are times where they look happy and seem like they no longer need you there.

You start to stalk their followings, their followers and every potential person you think they might actually move on with.

They tell you they don't want you to move on and that they just need some time to be alone, yet you see them hanging out with new people.

You start to question if it's time you move on cos everything that used to seem right now seems wrong, it seems like no matter how much you do doesn't change anything.

You took advantage of how I felt for you, you know how I feel towards you but you continue to lead me on without any intentions of coming back - Just because I was always there and you took for granted of it.

Everything that drew me to you were what blinded me too. I was a fool to think I could've changed you.

I don't think I can ever forget that second I realised nothing I did would ever make you love me again.

I wish I could hate you for all the pain you've put me through, I wish I could stop loving you.

A part of me wishes you could go through everything and experience what I felt, but I can't bear to see you go through all that.

There's no love for you like mine, but I just wanna wish you well because you deserve to be loved no less.

Last but not least, I'm sorry for not being able to be there every step of your way, nor create many of your first with you.

This post is dedicated to every soul out there who once experienced what I felt.